Mindfulness is not a direct path to peace & love, far from it; more often than not it feels as though I’m negotiating some very unforgiving terrain & there is no level ground in sight.
I’m really struggling at the moment, it’s a combination of cancer related factors but my thought process is rather irritatingly stuck on repeat.
I have acknowledged an emotion that I have inadvertently kept under wraps for the best part of a year; I didn’t want to have to deal with it because of each of the emotions I’ve felt since Dylan’s diagnosis I know that this one will be the hardest to face.
I have noticed that I am angry; angry topped off with a large dose of helpless exhaustion. I’m now used to living daily with intense sadness, relentless shock & overwhelming despair, the effects of which seem more socially acceptable. Anger is basically an altogether different beast.
Suppressing anger is a bad idea, it manifests itself in further psychological issues & I am guessing that may be why I have been more tired than usual & unable to change my mind’s tempo. I am also guessing that having not really acknowledged it prior to now there is a buildup caused by the plethora of things I have tried so hard to deal with in a dignified & mindful manner.
I can feel it snowballing, one thing makes me angry & then the next thing latches on; there is potential for an unpleasant vicious cycle.
I know that there is little point in being angry but I also know that by acknowledging it I am taking some sort of control. I cannot ignore how I feel because in order to be able to smile, talk & get through each day I have to get my darkest thoughts down.
It is so confusing but I know that stifling my feelings will only lead to more problems so I put all of my energy into being mindful, which forces me to accept my thoughts & feelings & then deal with them accordingly. I cannot afford to allow my thoughts to drive my emotions or my behaviour without going through this process.
The problem is that despite my ability to be mindful this particular set of circumstances is one I would give nobody & one with no fathomable outcome; it is to all intents & purposes indeterminate. So every now & then the wheels come off (because I am only human) & I have to reset my headspace; which I suppose is in part being mindful.
The control needed is beyond any verbal explanation; having to make choices when you actually have no choice in itself creates withering irritation.
The magnitude of emotions filling my mind at the moment makes me feel as though I have taken a step backwards. All I know is that my head hurts & my child’s life was not supposed to be this hard.
I am angry that no matter what I do or where I go my mind cannot escape even for a minute.
I am angry because I don’t know what to do with these thoughts.
I am angry for Dylan & all of those other children & their families facing cancer; it is gut wrenching. I would give anything for this to go away but there is nothing I can do apart from head blindly into the thick soupy fog to find the future; there is nowhere else to go.
Childhood cancer is vile. It callously steamrollers through the bodies of children and tears out the souls of their parents. It creates chronic fear and gives a different perspective to the word “hope”.
It is so hard to look at and yet so easy to dismiss; until it is your child. I am embarrassed & angry with myself for my previous ignorance which is why I won’t stop trying to raise awareness.
Of course I counter all of this crap with the fact that Dylan is still here & it could be worse.
As things stand I can still kiss my boy’s head every night & whisper “stay with me”.
I think I’ve just given myself the kick up the arse that I needed.